California is looking to take the cigarette tax crown from Rhode Island. Rhode Island, at $2.46, currently has the highest per pack tax in the nation. A ballot measure in the land of nuts and money would raise California's per pack tax to $3.47.

Funds raised would be earmarked for health initiatives:

"It distributes the funds in a well-thought-out and comprehensive array of health programs that will make a frontal assault on the major diseases and causes of death in California, maintain and expand access to health care, and improve the health of all Californians," said Jim Knox, vice president of the American Cancer Society, one of the measure's sponsors.

Well hot damn, what a great idea. Cigarettes are bad for you, right? So the gub'mint puts an onerous tax on them and applies these gains to addressing health problems. As a side benefit they drive down the sales of the offending product and hopefully, in time, drive the offending companies out of business. Sweet.

The only problem being that this doesn't go nearly far enough. The Journal of American Medical Association analysis of deaths shows serious problem areas apart from tobacco:

...poor diet and physical inactivity (400 000 deaths; 16.6%), and alcohol consumption (85 000 deaths; 3.5%). Other actual causes of death were microbial agents (75 000), toxic agents (55 000), motor vehicle crashes (43 000), incidents involving firearms (29 000), sexual behaviors (20 000), and illicit use of drugs (17 000).

The answer is obvious, isn't it? Using the cigarette tax model we need to start taxing sugar, fat and sodium; the three biggest problem substances for the US diet. I propose 5 cents a gram for sugar and sodium and a dime a gram for fat. The money raised would go to distributing celery, vitamins and Thighmasters™ to the masses.

Booze is already taxed in most areas but it can certainly be taxed more and instead of that tax revenue going into a general fund it can be earmarked to give a Designated Driver Stipend.

I'm not sure how to tax microbes but toxic agents are simple enough. A buck a bottle tax on all cleaning products, five bucks per bag of fertilizer and at least two-fifty per can of bug spray. This money would go into public education campaigns to teach people how to use natural alternatives like bees' wax and patchouli oil.

Add a 20% tax on each car sale and put that money into mass transit infrastructure. You'll find less people willing to buy cars. Instead they'll be on the bus and train where they should be anyway.

Firearms should obviously be outlawed entirely but that pesky Second Amendment keeps getting in the way. A 150% gun tax and a 300% ammunition tax should help to keep the numbers down though. Follow that up with an annual ad valorum tax and the number of people possessing guns legally will plummet. Money raised here could be tagged for criminal rehabilitation and support.

Sexual behavior? No problem taxing that. $2 per porno video, $.25 per peep show, 15% on "marital aids" and an internet sniffer that will find and automatically bill taxpayers a penny per nudie .jpg on their computers. Make it two cents for anal shots and watch the coffers fill up! These tax dollars could be used on condom distribution programs in schools, churches and community centers.

We can't effectively tax an illegal activity so illicit drug use would appear to escape our net. But can't we tax legal purchases that contribute? Add ten percent to each prescription and you'll find people less willing to bring drugs into their houses. Drugs that could be misused by kids or stolen and sold on the street. This revenue could fund methadone clinics and needle cleaning kits.

It's all so perfect. Thank you, California. Thank you for showing us the way!!

[Yes, it was sarcasm. If you didn't realize that before you read this part you need to get out more.]