The day after Thanksgiving I was talking to my wife about the marathon day we put in at her parents house. We brought some good friends with us.
“Do you think Phil and Diane had a good time?” my wife asked.
“In general.”
“What do you mean, ‘In general.’”
“There was a small incident. Nothing big.”
“What incident?” she asked.
“Well, your old man was spitting all over Phil.”
“Spitting? What the fuck are you talking about?”
“He had Phil cornered, up against the kitchen counter. Your old man had a mouthful of food and he was talking with his mouth full. Actually, he was screaming with his mouth full. I literally saw pieces of food flying from his mouth.”
“Are you kidding me?” She was horrified.
“No, I’m not kidding. I saw food flying from his mouth and landing on Phil’s shirt. And it was no brief encounter. He was all excited about something and it seemed to be going on for a long time. You know how he gets excited.”
“I can’t believe this—“
“I’m not done. So Phil’s backed up to the counter and he’s got no place to turn and the old man’s getting closer and closer…it was hard to watch, and Phil was kind of cringing and turning his head trying to avoid the barrage—”
“What did you do?” She was pissed.
“What did I do? I didn’t do anything. What was I supposed to do?”
“You should have told him not to talk with his mouthful! You could have told him to give the guy some air. You could have gotten in the middle or walked Phil away! How the hell could you let this happen? NOW I’M FUCKING MORTIFIED! HOW COULD YOU STAND THERE AND JUST DO NOTHING?
“He’s your old man! I have to show some respect…”
“You know what? You’re like one of those Nazis who said they were only following orders.”
“I don’t think that particular analogy fits—“
“Oh, be quiet. I have to call and apologize before these people think we’re savages!”
###
Truthfully, would any of you have tried to intervene?
Nah,maybe would have offered Phil some food to spit back,other than that I would have probably left the room GAGGING!
Gagging is a great word.
I really have to start working that in more. Whenever I hear the word gag I can't help but picture in my mind's eye what happens when a doctor pushes that tongue depressor back just a little too far.
Or when the dental hygenist sticks that x-ray film just a little too far back.
Gagging: to gag.
You rock!
I've been the recipient of said excited food spraying, it's not exactly a party. Of course I can't say that it's any worse than spittle spray from someone with a lisp.
{gag}
Or old man bad breath
{gag gag}
Fuck No. Actually I'd prob. enjoy it and then point and laugh. but thats just me...
I would not have intervened. I would have stood there, rooted in one spot, horrified.
However, I note by your wife's reaction, that you are unlikely to taste any of the delights of the conjugal bed as a result. Seems like everyone here has lost. Oh well, at least football season is still on.
I more than likely would have tried to interject a comment from a very safe distance to try to break the old man's momentum.
There's a manager at work who's got dragon breath. It doesn't help that there is a world of plaque stuck between each and everyone of her teeth either. When she directs that verve pipe at me, I usually turn away. I don't care if it's rude, having that person talking in my direction is OH-fucking-fffensive. I would use the same approach if I were Phil. Once someone grosses you out, you have full liberty to give them the stinkeye.
The trick is to completely distract your wife mid-rant. Try "You've really lost weight" or "My that's a nice shirt you've got on". It doesn't even need to be true.
As for "gagging", it always invokes a different image for me, but that's probably a result of watching too much p0rn in my younger days.
I will now, perhaps by just telling My Old Man (were it my father), "You're spitting food all over the place!", or by thinking of something for Phil to do instead of being cornered by my father, like maybe,"Phil! HELP! My pants are on fire!" Distractions always work.
I guess it would depend on my relationship with ol' Phil. If it was a casual acquantance (that is, somebody who I was still trying to impress), I'd rescue him. If he were a good friend as you described here I'd do pretty much what you did, with the addition of grinning like an idiot and maybe making faces at him behind Pop's back.
I may have offered Phil some sort of food catch guard as I was doing a drive by. (Plastic Wrap, Waxed Paper, heavy duty piece of acetate, bib...)