So I have to give a toast at the wedding right, since I'm the groom. My first instinct was "Fuck it. Ceremonial crap is empty." But then it hit me - I will be able to talk, and 150 people will have to listen. Saweeet. So I started formulating a story, a soliloquy, a dirty fucking laundry list of shit that I've wanted to say to people for a long time. I'd say bits and peices of it outloud to the mirror while brushing my teeth or knotting a necktie. I'd lay in bed spending that quietness before my eyes shut running sections of it through my mind. It was to be my masterwork: pithy, funny, poignant, smart.

We were sitting around one day and someone said something like "Damn, the motherfucker really gets on my nerves" about a mutual friend.
"Yeah, I know. I'm so telling him that during my toast too."
"For real?"
"Yeah. Hell yeah. I talk, they listen; if they don't like it they can leave early and spare me the expense of finger sandwiches and beer for one more person at $18 a head."
"Damn. Balls on this one."
The old lady got wind of my plans to hand out peices of my mind while streamlining our wedding budget. She said I shouldn't do that: It was rude, and it would ruin the reception. Unfortunately for me, she was right. And yet, I still feel like I should say something important while I have all that attention. Surely there's something relevant to most or all of those people there, that I can share or say and still be pithy, funny, poignant, smart. I suppose I could adapt one of Paul's legendary shit stories, but then I run the risk of being recognized as a phony, given the number of people who've heard of Paul's shit.

I'm wondering if maybe I should just keep a peice of paper folded up in my pocket, and scribble notes on it as they pop into my head over the coming months. It would come off a little disjointed, sure; but I'm not exactly the world's greatest writer, so it would probably be shoddy no matter what.

What if I write the toast, and then just keep it in my pocket over the next few months and edit it when I have spare time? Maybe that would work better. Jesus, I'm already overextended on the planning phase of this thing anyways. I should just hire some jackass to do it for me.