There was a pleasant surprise for us this morning. The bosses brought in a load of high carb breakfast substances. The danishes were typically yummy. My favorite is the cheese danish. The cream cheese-like filling on these helps to mitigate the unbearable sweetness of the pastry and sugar shellac resulting in bakery goodness that is not quite so sweet that I can't eat it.
And there were bagels. Bagels of many varieties and with loads of butter, cream cheese, lox and other toppings available. When I entered the break room and saw this plethora of chewy Jewy breakfast goodness I immediately started salivating. There's nothing quite like a good bagel to start out the day.
And these were nothing like good bagels.
A bagel is a boiled and baked product. The outside should be tough. Tough enough so that if you try to split one like a retard by sawing through it into your palm you have at least a 50% chance of losing a finger. The inside should be firm and chewy. If you do not boil the bagel before baking it you do not get that tough exterior. If the bagel is soft as a dinner roll then you do not have a bagel. What you have is a fucked up dinner roll.
Bagels are not meant to be pastries. Sweet things do not belong in bagels. Raisins should not be in a bagel. Fruit flavors should not be in a bagel. If you bite into a bagel and taste sweetness you are not eating a bagel. You are eating a fucked up donut.
When I noticed the actual "bagel" selection and quality my face fell. I uttered something along the lines of "Damned bait and switch!" This precipitated a conversation with a coworker who was happily lathering his blueberry bagel with unhealthy amounts of maple butter.
Coworker: Bait and switch? What are you talking about?Me: These things. They aren't bagels. They look like bagels but they aren't bagels.
Coworker: Sure they are. Says so right on the bag.
Me: I can put "Guinness record holder for penile length" on my business cards. That won't make me hung like a horse.
Coworker: So what's the problem? They look fine to me.
Me: There is fruit in half of them. There isn't a single rye or pumpernickel among a hundred odd bagel impostors. Worst of all, they're soft. They aren't bagels at all. They're fucked up reject dinner rolls.
Coworker: Whatever. These are the same bagels I've been eating my whole life.
Me: Sure. But you've been here your whole life. Real bagels have apparently never migrated this far south.
Coworker: So where are you from that you're such a bagel expert?
Me: New York.
[Coworker pauses for a moment.]
Coworker: Oh.
[Coworker finishes slathering his sweet topping onto his sweet "bagel".]
Coworker: So, you're not going to have any then?
Me: What? Are you crazy? That's free food right there! At the office! Of course I'm going to have some.
Coworker: Heh. You're not so dumb. For a Yankee.
NOTE: Anybody who comments about how much they like fruity soft bagels should be prepared for a tongue lashing (and not the good kind like in the porno movies either). Bagels were perfected long ago. Without fruit. With tough exteriors. That is a bagel. Perfection cannot be improved upon. Anything not matching the perfected criteria of a true bagel is a horrible impostor.
That's my position and I'm sticking to it.
Damned yanks.
I bet you don't think tea is supposed to be sweet either.
On a side note, how the hell can they have lox without rye or pumpernicke available, that's pure communism.
I refuse to listen to you on subjects culinary until you lose the outdoors propane stove and start grillin' over charcoal like a man.
Phin - Sweet tea should be sweet. Tea should not. And I know what you mean; the thought of a blueberry bagel with lox made me throw up into my mouth a little bit.
Victor - I'd rather be a man than cook like one. Hah!
But on the happy side, Lovely Wife and I have agreed that a charcoal grill is a necessity. There will be one in the not too distant future.
WTF is LOX anyways??????
And fruit or any sweets for breakfast is nasty in many ways,weather its built into a bagle or elsewere.YCUL YUCK YUCK!
Jim, I am 100% totally with you on this one. Just today my boss bought bagels. Cinamon Bagel? Blue Berry Bagel? Wild Berry Cream Cheese? That is just disgusting.
Give me a everything bagel with bacon/chive cream cheese any day.
You wouldn't want to be around me though. I may nock your socks off with my breath.
LOX is either liquid oxygen or a spread made with fish.
The cool thing about everybody having bagels is that the whole office can have a bad breath day.
I'd rather be a man than cook like one.
And as soon as you lose the propane, you'll become one. It's like circumcision for the goyim.
There's got to be some sort of allowance here for regularly cooking outside with a deep fryer.
Jim, if you're going to set yourself up like that, it's my duty, as a man, to give you your proper ration of poop ;~)
I *do* give you some credit for the sheer volume of animal products I've seen on your outdoor range.
Will you still stalk me if I eat peanut butter on plain bagels?
Victor - That's true. I definitely have massive meat.
De - Peanut butter is A-OK in my book. No sweetness there. I've been known to partake of a toasted bagel with pb on occasion.
Whew! What a relief!
I'm kind of ashamed to admit this (forgiveness Jim? Pretty please?) but I MIGHT make an exception for a blueberry bagel. I tend to have a reaction to blueberry things (especially pancakes and waffles) that is akin to the sexual rush of an adolescent enjoying his older brother's "secret" stash of porno flicks.
Aside from that singular exception, you hit the nail right on the head. Some things are not meant to be fruitized, and bagels are definitely one of them.
[raises fist in the air in solidarity]
Southern bagels are the South's revenge for that whole "Civil War" thing. I say everyone north of the Mason-Dixon should start manufacturing boiled peanuts in retaliation, which they (1) won't boil and (2) will roll in sugar and (3) will package as "boiled peanuts" despite the lack of boiling ANYWAY.
One good turn deserves another. And don't even get me started on what we could be doing to hush puppies!
What are hush puppies?
ilyka, by "Civil War" do you mean the War of Northern Aggression?
By the way, yanks don't know what real barbeque is either. (Hint: Putting a tomato based sauce on a slow cooked pig here in Eastern North Carolina's a killin' offense).
damn low-carb diet I've been on for a fricking year and a half....i can't even remember what a bagel tastes like anymore..... grrrr....
Hush Puppies are shredded,fried taters.
Actually, Brat, hush puppies are deep fried cornmeal. You're thinking hash browns, and don't nobody insult my potato lovin' by confusing it with cornmeal.
My regular weekend breakfast is a plain bagel with Emmenthal, a cooked egg, a tofu sausage and salsa. I know it's pretty screwed up sounding, but that's what the day must start off with.
And on a side note, your danishes with the cream cheese filling on topr? Thank God I never really liked danish in the first place, as after I moved to Sweden I was put off them for life by what the Swedes call them-"grandma's cough".
Tell me, Jim, will honey-butter spread be acceptable? What about pure honey. Granted, my favorite remains peanut butter -- but have i crossed a line if i add concord grape jam?
Oh, and what about my personal favorite, the salt bagel -- bagely goodnesss combined with the same coarse salt that they put on soft pretzels. I cried for a week when Einsteins down here stopped selling them.
And by the way, Phin, how is this for a compromise solution -- The War of Secession? (Though I sometimes use Mr. Lincoln'a Gang-Rape of the Declaration of Independence and Constitution when I am among friends.)
Hmmm. Plain bagel with cream cheese and strawberry jam. Yaa, I know, it's got fruit on it. What can I say. Just gotta have something sweet in the morning.
Ok, how about my patent pending peanut butter and cream cheese on a bagel?
If you're looking for a toast substitute then jelly or honey might be acceptable. Just don't fool yourself that you're eating a bagel.
Peanut butter is fine. Cream cheese is delightful. The two together are...well, they're a bit disturbing. But they do past the sweetnasty litmus test though.
Oh well Helen.....whatever then:
Hush Puppies are DOGS...Basset hounds....and a shoe brand.:-P
Now I made this mistake I have to join the quest for that the hell kind of food they are?Is that something the damn Yankees eat?Cornmeel..ok....fried?I guess is MUST be southern then?I am going to Google it now for it shall not let me sleep.....
The important thing to remember about hush puppies is they are really corn pone that ain't cooked right.
I'm with you, Jim, when it comes to bagels.
And the barbeque that most folks eat is NOT real barbeque (just check out Phin's blog -- he'll set you straight). The pretender barbeque sauce was something concocted to cover the rancid taste of rotting meat back when refrigeration didn't really exist (except during winter). Some of it sure tastes good, though. Especially if you use fresh, unspoiled, meat! (Sorry Phin, I'm not a purist on this one.)
You are right about bagels. One must sit down at a table in a deli and carefully slice the bagel, which has been boiled and then baked and contains no fruit. I prefer whole-wheat bagels with soft cream cheese & lox, which is not "fish." It is smoked salmon. Only smoked salmon. Fresh smoked salmon. Nothing else qualifies as lox. Slice & savor slowly. Strong, fresh-brewed coffee is a good accompaniment, but a bloody mary with thick, cold tomato juice, a splash of tabasco, and a huge, leafy celery stick is best. Of course, this is a breakfast ensemble, but it can be eaten as a brunch and is also an effective hangover cure.
And at the top of the "what the fuck were they thinking" list...
Chocolate. Chip. Bagels.
I kid you not. Both local grocery stores carry these abominations.
While I have certainly enjoyed a cinnamon or blueberry bagel on occasion, I don't pretend to myself it's actually a bagel; just a more exotically shaped roll. I grew up in an area with a high concentration of Jewish kids, and was indoctrinated at an early age. Damned if I can find anything out here in the mountains even remotely resembling the real thing.
When friends come to visit from Montreal, I always demand the price of their lodging in real bagels and Montreal smoked meat.
Oh and if you want a real dill pickle, get one from a Jewish deli. It'll blow the top of your damn head off.
Thanks for the snarf... really... it's always a treat to have Doctor Pepper clear out the old sinuses. Panera bakery sells both the correct type of bagel as well as the fucked up dinner roll variety... and last month they had hazelnut/chocolate chip - which were actually very tasty for a fucked up donut. Southerners can't make bagels, any type of remotely edible pizza (what is up with that - it's an easy thing to make!) and their “Buffalo wings” – don’t make me laugh. Actually, no one outside of New York can make proper Buffalo wings. But in their defense, they make awesome hush puppies, gumbo, dirty rice and the supreme pecan pie. And the hospitality of the south is what keeps me going back – oh, and the she crab bisque.