A reader over at Ilyka's place had a question in the comments. Specifically, is it possible to survive this type of set-up question with scrotum and relationship intact. The happy answer is yes, though it is often not easy.
The absolute first response to this question is to run screaming from the room. Barring that (for example, if the door is barred) you may be able to defuse the situation by ignoring the question with a compliment.
Her: Honey, does this dress make me look fat?Him: Baby, you look gorgeous.
Note the compliment and the complete avoidance of the question.
IMPORTANT NOTE: Do not, under any circumstances, add the words "to me" at the end of the compliment.
If the avoidance/compliment doesn't work you can try a distraction technique.
Her: I know I look beautiful to you [notice she used the "to you" even though he specifically avoided that trap. This is known as a trap within a trap or more commonly "The Bundy Offense".], but I really want your opinion. Does this dress make me look fat?Him: What that dress really needs is a new set of diamond earrings. Do we have time to stop at the jewelers?
Note again the critical and skillful avoidance of the actual question. Dodge and weave, dodge and weave.
If both of these techniques fail there is still one method left to preserve your manhood and relationship.
Her: Will you knock it off and just answer the question? Do I look fat in this dress or not?Him: [clutches chest] ARGGGGGHHH!!!
The fake heart attack will only work two or three times before she catches on so use it sparingly.
When asked that question, I usually reply in 3 parts:
1) Pick up wife
2) Throw her on the bed
3) Ravish her
She usually takes that as a "no".
If you can do that, Harvey, then the answer IS no. You'd better be able to do it, though. Inability to do so will be taken as a yes. Not only are you giving the wrong answer, you're injuring yourself in the process. That might be a fair trade if it exempts you from the injury of giving the wrong answer. In my experience, it doesn't.
I prefer the old "Spin around so i can see it all" While her back is turned, get a good slack jawed "awe" look. Drool is good too. This can preclude Harvey's idea (which i hadn't read when i started writing) or may suffice on it's own (if it's like Rob's postulate).
Alternately, you can make human shaped hole in the wall while her back is turned too.
...
In the Looney Toons sense, not the Porky's sense, of course.
As a Fat Chick, I maintain that any woman foolish enough to ask that question deserves the only correct answer: "It's not the dress that makes you look fat; it's the forty pounds of cheesecake sitting on your ass that make you look fat."
But maybe that's just me. :-)
Let me tell you, if you are married to a woman who asks that question and who wants an honest answer, if you opt to say 'yes', DO NOT EXPAND upon it. It is a yes or no question, it is not one open to dissertation, expansion or flip charts. An answer such as "Yes, it is still too tight since the last baby, perhaps you can borrow a girdle from my Mom" is a BAD BAD BAD answer. A simple, "Yup, not there yet" will suffice.
Not that this has happened to me or anything... *ahem*
For the philosophical among us:
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Fat is relative to your metaphysic of beauty.
Her: Do I look fat?
Plato: what is justice?