Y'all know about live blogging, right? Well this is live blog cookin'. Tonight's special is called Macho Dip. I'll be making two flavors - one that works well as a depilatory and one for pussy wuss momma's boys.

Assemble the ingredients

Two pounds chopped sirloin (I don't know why it's called "ground" when it's beef and "chopped" when it's sirloin. I think it's just so they can charge you an extra 50 cents a pound. Anyway, use sirloin or 97% beef or whatever they call the good stuff in your neck of the woods.)

One big-ass block of Velveeta cheese. (I think it's two pounds. Use "Mexican Flavor" if they have it. If not, no big deal. It's not like this is real cheese anyway.)

Two cans Campbell's Cheddar Cheese soup. (They used to have "Nacho Cheese" soup but I haven't seen that in a coon's age.)

Two jars of salsa. (I'm using one mild and one hot since I'm doing the real one and a pussy variety.)

Anal-friendly sauces. (For the wuss dip.)

Anal-explosive sauces. (For the depilatory dip.)

Corn chips.

Beer. (Whatever variety you prefer to drink. It's not for the dip, it's for you. None of the wimmen folk will be bothering you while you cook for fear that they will frighten a man out of this strange 'kitchen' environment so it's the perfect chance to sock a couple away 'free of charge'.)

Begin Cooking

Get a big frying pan and put it on the stove.

Turn the stove on. Figure about 70% of maximum. If your dial thingy doesn't go to 10 you can use a calculator to figure out where to set it.

Put the beef in the pan.

Chop the hell out of it with your spatula so it's in bitty bits instead of the big rectangle o' beef. Use a spatula appropriate to your pan.

Drink some beer.

If the pan is non-stick and you used the barbecue spatula you will need to consume more beer now in order to weather the assault that will come later.

After a couple minutes use the spatula to whack apart the beef pancake that has solidified in the pan.

Drink some more beer.

If you started drinking prior to cooking (you know to build up your courage) you may need to pee now. Go for it.

Be right back...

Hey, this is just like one of those cooking shows only you don't have to send in two bucks for the transcript!

Drink some more beer.

When the beef is browned nicely (this is a French cullinary term meaning "healthy dark gray with earthy undertones") turn the stove down to simmer, or #2, or low, or whatever the next to the lowest setting is on your stove.

Strain the beef.

Put the Velveeta into the now beef-less pan. Make damn sure that you put that sucker on low. Velveeta is a space age polymer that resists all damage (including digestion) except heat.

Drink some beer.

If you did not turn the stove down you should begin pounding the beer at this stage as you just ruined her best pan.

Seriously, burned Velveeta is what they use to stick the tiles on the Space Shuttle. Don't burn the Velveeta.

When it starts to melt whack it apart with your spatula. Yes there is a lot of whacking in this recipe. Guys are naturally superior wackers after all.

Drink some more beer.

When the Velveeta is all nice and smoothly melted add the cheddar cheese soup to it. Mix well.

Beer.

Get out another skillet type pan. Oh, you thought this was a single pan dish? It probably is for you, you lucky bastard. Me - I'm making two flavors so I need two pans. Grmblrm...

VERY IMPORTANT! Do not forget which pan has the hot and which one has the not. If you're making two flavors like I am. Which you probably aren't. So ignore this part.

More beer, please.

Split the amazingly cheese-like substance between the two pans.

Add the beef to the two pans. Put more beef into the one that you'll be eating. They won't notice but it'll satisfy your inner gremlin.

Let it warm up a bit more.

You did turn on the burner under the second skillet, right?

Dumbass. Do that now. And have some more beer. Thankyou! Don't mind if I do.

Gotta pee again.

Don't forget to wash your hands after you pee. Thanks.

Okay, where the hell are we now? Right! Salsa. Add the cans of salsa. Mix up the pans real good.

Turn the brners up to 3 or 4 or "braize" or whatever medium low is on your stove.

"Brners"? Um...yeah.

More beer.

Warm up the concoctions for a little bit. Stir occasionally.

You should be able to finish a full beer right at this stage.

Add sauces to taste. For the wuss flavor you're probably okay as is. I'm using just a little chipotle and cheyenne. For the man's dish it is important to remember that everything you have done to this point was to create a vehicle for hot sauce delivery. I'm using chipotle, chili, cheyenne, habanero and scotch bonnet sauces.

I got the scotch bonnet sauce for Christmas.

Mmmm...beer...

It's from Jamaica. The sauce, not the beer.

Jamaica is now on my short list of places to visit. Hot sauce and ganja. What more could you ask for?

Put the stuff into bowls and scoop it out with the corn chips.

And don't forget the beer! As this food has no actual dairy content, thus no lactic acid, it is an incremental hot. That is, the more you eat the hotter it will get. Beer should be used to modulate the ambient heat level. You can easily work 2 more beers in during consumption.

And there you have it - Jim's Macho Dip.

Thank you, thank you. Oh, you're too kind. Too kind.