Sunday afternoon we were out enjoying the beautiful weather. [ed - The weather was really, really wonderful. Just ask Kelley.] The wading pool was filling up and the squirt guns were on semi-auto. When the pool had filled I went to the faucet to turn it off and noticed the two sprinklers that had been left by the previous owner (the kind that makes a fan of water that goes up and over and back again, not the 'chut-chut-chut-chut-chut' spin around kind). A light bulb appeared above my head - the boys had never had the experience of running through a sprinkler.

Without delay I set up the first sprinkler in front of the house, just far enough that the spray didn't go onto the front porch. The kids were getting curious and were edging closer to see what was going on. Bear(5) asked me what I was doing. I replied cryptically "Setting up a sprinkler". Okay, so that's not really cryptic to you and me but to somebody who doesn't know what a sprinkler is it is fairly abstruse. He nodded sagely with an "Of course he's setting up a sprinkler. How silly of me to ask" look on his face.

With the sprinkler attached and positioned I went over to the faucet to turn it on. The boys stared eagerly, wonderful anticipation and raw curiosity on their faces. I turned the faucet with a loud "Tah-dah!"

And water dribbled out of the obviously busted sprinkler.

Bacon(3) had a bemused look on his face as if he were looking for the joke and not willing to admit there wasn't one. Bear gave an encouraging "Wow Daddy!" and then walked back to the picnic table. Burger(2) tackled the dog.

Okay, not exactly an unqualified success. I turned the faucet off and switched over to the other sprinkler. I actually took a minute to monkey with this one to get the gear doohickey lined up with the spray whatsit so the water shooter part pointed the right way. (I'm considering a career in sprinkler maintenance. Please send all offers to my regular address.)

With a much subdued "Tah-dah" I turned on the faucet and lo and behold, water shot from the sprinkler like flecks of food from Michael Moore's mouth um...like a fan of dihydrous oxide under a hundred or so pounds of hydrostatic pressure like, like...uh...like water from a garden hose when you put your thumb over the end to make that hard spray fan of water oh, screw it. Water shot out like water from a sprinkler is supposed to shoot out. Unless you're in Pre-K and lived all your life in apartments you should know what the hell water from a sprinkler looks like.

(And just how good are your metaphors at 7:00 o'clock in the morning in a pre-caffeinated state? Yeah, that's what I thought. Bitches.)

The boys gave a gleeful scream of pure excitement and then looked at me with dumbfounded expressions. "What do you do with it, Daddy" asked Bear, apparently the designated vocal representative for the children during this story.

"You run through it" I replied. "Oh!" he exclaimed and then tentatively did so. He was a natural. Well, as natural as Martin Short playing a palsy victim during an epileptic attack would be. He did make it over the sprinkler though and he did get a bit wet and he did get a big smile on his face. Success!

As the other two followed his example and ran through the sprinkling water I went to coil up the hose and make things a bit neater (don't ever forget how anal retentive I am). As I turned toward the flower bed my left foot came down on something sharp. Something really, really sharp. Sharp enough to draw an involuntary naughty word out of my mouth. I jerked my foot up and stood there doing a crane impression while I looked for the sweetgum ball or bramble or thorn that I had just stepped on.

I found a curved piece of glass about two inches long. With blood on it. My blood. I looked at my foot and found it fairly covered in blood. Lovely Wife noticed my giant bird impersonation at about this time and called out to ask if I needed help. I informed her that the lawn was covered in glass caltrops and that if she ever wanted to see her children walk again she would rescue them from this hellish place post haste. Or maybe I just said that I stepped on a piece of glass. I know that I was thinking the former anyway.

She did rescue the children and repositioned the sprinkler on the other side of the lawn for them while I hobbled over to the table and used a towel to staunch the flow of my lifeblood upon the earth. I knew I shouldn't have given blood last Friday. You're just asking for a vascular crisis when you put yourself a pint low.

Lovely Wife brought out the first aid kit and I bandaged up the foot. I won't gross you out about the wound. Suffice to say that the meat in my foot looks remarkably like top sirloin. Ironically, the shard got me in the exact point for "expression of pleasure" on the old acupuncture of the foot chart. I guess that explains the raging erection I've had for the past two days.

To add insult to injury (literally) the boys ran through the sprinkler for approximately one minute and forty-five seconds. They were finished with it before I could even stop bleeding. If it had been Mario's Sprinkler Party game they'd still be playing it.