Little-known fact: when I (SnoozeTiffany) was a kid, I thought glasses were cool and prayed every night that I could wear them one day.

Ta da! Fifteen years later, I sit here with two left contact lenses in my eyes because I ripped my right one...twice. And my two eyes are different precriptions. Nice!

I'm not blind to the extent that I qualify for a handicap placard to hang from my rear-view mirror, but my vision is blurry enough that I can't read a digital clock with 1 1/2" red numbers from two or three feet away. I have to squint to read the clock on my cell phone when I take my lenses out.

My glasses are so damned thick that I pay the extra bucks to have them made from extra-light material, and still have that whole bug-face thing going on when I wear them: you know, the part of my face behind my glasses appears much much smaller than the rest of my face because of all that lens goodness. Cartoon, anyone?

The one good thing I can say about having shitty vision is that I can make excuses to beg off things:

"Oh, honey, I can't see to drive at night--can you take me?" (Useful when out of gas and too ashamed to admit it.)

"Fuck! I missed my exit! Why didn't you tell me when to turn--you know I can't see the signs!" (Useful for when you don't know where the hell you're going but like to pretend otherwise.)

"Damnit! I tore a lens, I can't go to work!!!! *snicker*" (Useful when feeling "SnoozeBob"ish.)

And my favorite: I can use the "Honey, I have a headache," excuse and have it work quite well when I'm wearing my glasses--oh, how they strain me. The pain! The fuzziness! *snicker*

Natural selection may eventualy do away with us squinters, but while I'm still here, can you go get me a soda from that store on the corner?...I think it's a store, I can't really tell. I can't see well enough to read the can. (And...I, sort of haven't been paid yet.)