Well it wasn't a lamb, or even the traditional donkey. The piñata (notice the squiggly line over the 'n' there - am I good or what?) at the party on Saturday was a watermelon; sort of a meloñata. It wasn't just any watermelon either. It was a gargantuan watermelon filled to the brim with useless plastic trinkits, geejaws, whatsits and enough concentrated sugar treats to choke Oprah.
The cheap cardboard blindfold that came with the meloñata failed early. The other parents there had a problem with using Lovely Wife's leather blindfold (comes with matching ball gag) so we just had the kids close their eyes.
Being the birthday boy, Bear lead the assault.
Notice the closed eyes? Yeah, he actually closed his eyes. For a couple of swings anyway and that's way more than I actually expected. Also notice that gorgeous custom made meloñata stick. That was my very own whacking stick, lovingly decorated and converted for use in the ritual slaughter. The sacrifices I make for my kids are uncountable.
Notice the flags? I'm a patriotic sort but I'm not quite that bad. Bear wanted the Stars and Stripes for his party theme. Power Rangers? Nope. Rugrats? Uh-uh. Jimmy Newtron? No way. The old red, white and blue beat out all contenders. That's pretty damn cool.
Bacon had some issues with his swing but he connected a few times.
Unfortunately the meloñata was constructed of high tensile reactive ballistic fabrics so the smackings had little effect. This picture gives a better view of the stick. Notice the green and black striping? I wound the entire stick in green fabric tape and then used electrical tape to create the handle, barber-pole striping, seal the ends and affix the streamers. Green is Bear's favorite color. I really kick the ass of at least 85% of the dads out there. No joke.
Burger really REALLY enjoyed smashing the meloñata. He didn't even wait for me to raise it, or for other people and pets to get out of the way. Talk about dedication.
Take a good long look at his face in this picture and you'll see why I don't sleep soundly.
As I mentioned above our meloñata was made of some space age super-polymers and resisted all attempts to damage it. Eventually the big guns (here's one of them) were called into play and I strategically weakened the cardboard monstrosity enough for the kids to break it apart.
Carnage ensued.
The moral of the story? Take your pick:
- If there were Dad awards, Jim would totally kick ass.
- If you have little kids doing the piñata (or meloñata), weaken it first so they can actually do some damage.
- It would have been funnier to have all the grown-ups try.
- Jim and Lovely Wife need a proximity alarm near their bed to alert them when Burger approaches.
POINTS: Come up with your own morals to the story and/or captions to any of the pictures. Points will be awarded to the best ones.
Note that the 2003-2004 Points Season ends on or about August 1. We're in the home stretch now.
How about: "Feeding the kids margaritas before letting them whack the melon is just wrong".
Or: "You should talk to your children early, before they start to whack the melon by themselves".
How about this: "Although Jim and LW appear to be normal happy people, their children are indeed evil spawn incarnate." (Burger picture as a reference) btw - I am kidding as I've never met Jim or LW. :-)
If Emma were in the general vicinity, she would gladly babysit the Bear/Bacon/Burger Trio. Anyday.
Gawd, they're adorable.
And remember: Whatever doesn't kill them before they are ten will be a fine personality trait when they are 30.
Aheh.
"No children were harmed in the production of this story."
The moral is simple: wacking day isn't just for snakes.
"Social services intervened when it was revealed a local couple made their children fight to the death, all for the prize of just being able to wear a shirt."
Damn, that's a hairy arm! Who was that dude's father? Bigfoot? King Kong? Chim-Chim from Speed Racer? Frank J.?
Unless that's your arm, Jim. Or your father's. In that case, it's a fine looking piece of...arm.
Yup, that's my very own arm. That's part of the reason why I could run around in t-shirts during winter in Buffalo.
I don't know why you didn't just pass a resolution condemning the pinata for failing to burst. Unilateralist cowboy. Have you no shame?
Have you decided on points yet? Not to monopolize this comments section, but you should decide who gets the points. And, um...I should win. Definitely. I'm behind on points, after all.
Actually, I don't have any points at all. I probably won't get any for the "whack the melon" comment either, will I?
Moral of the story....Jim spent so much money on the meloñata and with plastic trinkits, geejaws, whatsits - he couldn't afford to dress his kids.
I think I deserve a point for my backpedaling on the hairy-arm thingy.
No points for wussitude, Victor. Only boldness and decisive actions* are rewarded here.
* 'Bold' and 'decisive' being completely flexibly definable by the management.
Oh, yeah. Forgot I was going to mention the points too.
Announcement: We'll keep this open another day as I've just gotten too damn busy today. Or was that lazy? Either way, y'all have until tomorrow to amuse me with your creativity or shock me with your candor.
"The kids became uncontrollable when Bigfoot entered the yard."
Announcement: And the winner is...
Crap. I don't know yet. Sorry, y'all. I suck uncontrollably yadda, yadda, yadda. End result: contest remains open for at least another day.