Dateline - Oakbrook, IL

Ronald McDonald has gone into hiding since a mob of obese burger lovers attacked McDonalds Corporate Headquarters earlier today. The super sized protesters had gathered to peacefully complain about McDonald's decision to discontinue its Super Size Value Meal program but things quickly got ugly.

The rotund eaters were gathered on the headquarter's grounds either pacing slowly or relaxing in straining portable canvas chairs when several busses arrived and disgorged members of CEA (Competitive Eaters of America) and FaBELOS (Fat Bastards Eating Lots Of Stuff). While the two groups are often at loggerheads they had apparently united to demand the return of their beloved Super Sized fries and a Coke. The high energy gluttons incited the protestors who were already present with an end result of a waddling wave of jiggling flesh crashing into the building. Glass windows were shattered from the concussive force and several floors lost power.

Police and National Guard troops were called in to subdue the rampaging gastrophiles while Ronald McDonald, Grimace and at least one other company spokesman were smuggled out the back of the building and spirited away to safety. Ronald called later from a secluded location to make a statement on the attack.

"I have never been so terrified in all my life. The shear weight of the opposition was daunting. This is a monstrous burden but it is one I am prepared to bear. McDonalds will not bow to terrorist tactics and we are sticking with our decision to eliminate the Super-Size options as well as cancelling the proposed Monstro-Size and Garganto-Sizes. We are committed to helping create a healthy America." The distraught clown closed his statement with a plea. "Everybody come on - let's put a smile on."

Burger King, McDonald's chief adversary in the fast food field, voiced support of Ronald's decision but regretfully declined to follow suit with his own menu. According to Mr.King "While we respect and admire Ronald for standing by this difficult decision, our company works on a different basic premise. At our restaurants you get it your way and if your way is a pound and a half of tallow soaked potatoes washed down by a half gallon of carbonated sugar water then by God that's exactly what you'll get." When asked if he expected an increase in Burger King sales as high content eaters moved away from the lighter McDonalds menu he responded only with "Oh, I'm sure I'll be lovin' it."

Third rate competitor Dave Thomas was unavailable for comment.