(The scene: James Earl Jones and I are sipping tea on the veranda. The kids are running about alternately chasing and being chased by the dogs. Lovely Wife is whipping up a batch of her unbelievably delicious potato salad to go with the steaks that James is tending on the barbeque. The blush of premature spring is in the air and our conversation remains light and idle until James springs a whopper on me.)

James: You know, sometimes I am so jealous of you.

Me: Really? Why? Because I'm married to a Teutonic Princess? A woman who's loving kindness is exceeded only by the gorgeosity of her legs?

James: No, although I will admit that was a spot-on description of your Lovely Wife.

Me: Is it because I'm surrounded by fine strong boys, the issue of my loins, manifest proof of my virility and masculine prowess?

James: No, that isn't it. You have fine sons but it would be devilish to be jealous for such a reason.

Me: James, aren't you a multi-millionaire?

James: Yes. Yes I am.

Me: And are you not a very highly respected thespian?

James: Why yes. I cannot complain there.

Me: Don't you give your time and money in charitable and philanthropological pursuits?

James: Yes, I take quite a bit of pleasure in sharing my largess.

Me: And aren't you the possessor of the most distinctively recognizeable voice in the world?

James: Yes I am. You have hit on the problem exactly. My damned recognizeable voice!

Me: But your voice is fantastic! The breadth, the depth, the tone, the sonourous magic that is your voice...how could this be a problem?

James: Because it prevents me from doing something I truly loved doing as a youth. The signature of my success now prevents me from truly enjoying my life to the fullest.

Me: What could your voice possibly prevent you from doing?

James: Prank calls.

Me: Prank calls?

James: Yes. Prank calls. And perhaps a few pervert calls every once in a while.

Me: Prank calls and perv calls...you can't be serious.

James: Of course I am serious. Can't you tell by the tone of my voice? I have been denied my greatest pleasure ever since the 1970's! I was a master of the prank call. Do you know who invented the "Prince Albert in a can" prank? Me! And the "Kentucky Fried Chicken - how large are your breasts" prank? That was me!

Me: That is just remarkable, James.

James: Was. It was remarkable. Now it is a travesty of a prank. Oh, every now and then I can't help myself and I give it a try. Those attempts are so pathetic...

Me: I can imagine.

James: No you can not possibly imagine. Have you ever called up a hot chick and started breathing heavily into the mouthpiece and had her yell out "Oh my God! It's Darth Freaking Vader!"?

Me: No, I can't say that's ever happened to me.

James: Or dialed some open all night fast food place and asked them if their refrigerator was running only to have the pimply faced fry cook on the other end yell out "Mufasa? Oh, man, it's Mufasa! Everybody get over here, it's Mufasa!"?

Me: No, that's never happened either.

James: Or have you ever experienced the frustration of calling a banking establishment with the intent of leading them into thinking you wish to place tremendous amounts of money in their investment systems only to change your mind at the last moment but never been able to administer that telling rebuke because the otherwise lifeless automaton you are speaking with recognized your voice as "That government guy in all of the movies where you're not quite the guy in charge but are the one that's really in charge no matter what the titles say"?

Me: I've never had that experience, no.

James: Welcome to my world.

Me: If I can fix your little problem, will you do me a little favor first?

James: Fix it? Do not tease me so! But yes, I would most certainly do you a favor.

Me: (Bends down and whispers into James' ear.)

James: You can't be serious.

Me: Serious as a heart attack. I've wanted it since I was a little boy.

James: Very well... (James clears his throat and reaches for me with one hand) Jim...I am your father...

Me: Oh, man! That was awesome! You do so totally kick ass, James.

James: I get that a lot. Now, you were saying you could fix my pranking difficulties?

Me: Yes, of course. (Yelling out to the kids) Bear! Bacon! Come up here to the veranda and bring some of those balloons with you!

Me: James, welcome to the wonderful world of helium inhalation...