This morning in the shower I was accosted by an unnatural sensation. No kids yelling. No dog barking. No cat attempting to dig to China via the litter box. Just the delicate sound of the water sluicing off my naked body. The silence was unnerving.
I did the only thing a rational person with absolutely no singing ability could do in this situation. I made sound effects.
The soap going across the washcloth earned my interpretation of sanding a block of wood: schwoop schwoo schwoop schwoo schwoop schwoo. Washing my hair was accompanied by a GTO in high idle: buddabuddabuddabuddabuddabuddabudda. Hair rinsing earned a Lear jet in level flight with a bit of turbulence: fwooooooooschkfwoooooooshtfwooooo.
All was going well with some Apache helicopter back washing, dragster acceleration for the chest, murmur of the crowd at the Super Bowl for the arms and blue footed boobie mating call for the belly. (Yes, I realize that the blue footed boobie would have been more appropriate for the chest but I didn't think of it in time.) The squeeky washing of windows for the face didn't come out well - too much interference near the mouthal area. Still, I was pretty pleased with my overall performance and selection.
But then I got to ... that area. What sound effect fit there? The first thing that popped into my mind was the "bomp bidda bow wow" cheesy porn soundtrack (that's normally the first thing to pop into my mind for any situation) but I eliminated it right away - way too common. I considered the trill of a songbird but I had already done the boobie and it seemed too much like a cheap repeat. I was at a loss, standing under the cascading water with a hopeless look on my face. What, oh what, was appropriate? I'd already taken a performance hit for the bad Windex face job and I really didn't want two bad ones in a row.
I was saved by thoughts of the children. I mean really, what else would come to mind readily while considering that area of the body, right? With a grateful smile I washed those toes to the happy oinks of little piggies.
It was a quick finish after that with Chariots of Fire for the legs, Dean's "Yeaaaaaaaaagh!!" for my asscrack and howling wolves for the groin.
Now that was one awesome shower.
I knew I shouldn't have looked.
TMI man, just T.M.I.
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