Snooze Button Dreams
Snooze Button Dreams
Snooze Button Dreams
January 23, 2004
You Want Pasteurized Processed American Cheese Flavored Product On That?
(Category: Snooze Button Dreams )

The Scene: Dopple-G and I are sitting down to lunch. He is eating naked burgers with cheese slices on top.

Background: Dopple-G actually enjoys American cheese singles and considers them to be actual cheese. I am a cheese snob where this pseudo-food is concerned.

Dopple-G: I've got "real cheese" today.

Me: That is not real cheese. It is "processed cheese food product".

Dopple-G: Why are you so anti-American?

Me: I'm not anti-American, I'm anti-cheese impersonation.

Dopple-G: American cheese is real cheese.

Me: Real cheese does not have partially dehydrogenated soy bean oil as an ingredient.

Dopple-G: Well this cheese has only milk and cheese culture as ingredients.

Me: And whatever chemical they put in there to make it orange.

Dopple-G: It's not a chemical that does that, it's a vegetable color.

Me: Whatever. Between that and the oil, how can you honestly call that cheese?

Dopple-G: There's no oil in it.

Me: How can there be no oil in it? That's what American cheese is all about.

Dopple-G: Because it's not American cheese. This is cheddar.

Me: Jackass. Why didn't you just say that in the beginning?

Dopple-G: Because it's more fun putting you on a cheese rant.

Me: Jerk. But my point still holds. Processed American cheese food product is not cheese.

Dopple-G: So you don't like it just because it's processed?

Me: I don't like it because it tastes nasty. It tastes nasty partially because it's processed.

Dopple-G: It's the most commonly used cheese in America.

Me: Because we're a bunch of fat bastards who eat at fast food joints way too often.

Dopple-G: So if it's such a nasty cheese, why do all of the fast food places use it?

Me: Because it costs a fraction of the cost of actual cheese!

Dopple-G: Because it's processed?

Me: Because it's processed.

Dopple-G: What about Cheeze-whiz? Would you eat Cheeze-whiz?

Me: Not intentionally.

Dopple-G: Spray cheese?

Me: Hell yeah!

Dopple-G: You'd eat spray cheese but you turn your nose up to American slices and Cheeze-whiz?

Me: Yeah. Spray cheese isn't cheese any more than the other ones are but it's food that gets sprayed! That's too cool to pass up.

Dopple-G: You're too wierd.

Me: I wonder what a whippet from spray cheese would be like.

Dopple-G: A whippet from spray cheese?

Me: Yeah, a cheese whippet. Whippet cheese? There's probably some marketable jingle-ready name in there somewhere.

Dopple-G: That's sort of gross.

Me: You know what would be really cool?

Dopple-G: No, and I don't think I want to know.

Me: Spray beef.

Dopple-G: Spray beef?

Me: Not just beef, of course. Spray meat. If you have some spray cheese and some spray pepperoni you could have a tasty snack anywhere you go.

Dopple-G: Why stop there? Go for spray bread too. That way you can just spray yourself a sandwich.

Me: Damn straight! I am SO going to run with this. I'm going to be freaking rich.

Dopple-G: You are a loon.

At this point the conversation devolved to less constructive topics.

So, who wants to get in at the ground floor on spray meat and bread?

Posted by Jim | Permalink
Comments

Velveeta.

Don't knock it till you go to a country where it's illegal.

Posted by: Helen at January 23, 2004 09:01 AM

Oh, I must. I simply must. I abhor those plastic slices of near food. Now cheddar's a different story. I don't think I could live someplace without an ample supply of cheddar available.

Posted by: Jim at January 23, 2004 09:11 AM

Discusting,nasty,a humilliation to the word "cheese" and have I mentioned yet that people who eat that crap and actually call it "cheese" (including the makers) are INSANE?
The word KRAFT just gives me the creeps.
Yuck,yuck and MORE YUCK!

Posted by: LW at January 23, 2004 10:21 AM

I was going to say that, being the cheesefreak I am, I will eat any kind of cheese and that I would probably eat grass clippings if they were labeled "cheese" but then I realized this is just opening the door for the GM1 to rename Mr. Happy "The Big Cheese" and I don't need that kind of pressure. Nor the TMJ.
So I say nothing at all.
(Yay spray cheese!)

Posted by: LeeAnn at January 23, 2004 12:29 PM

Dude, spray meat could bring BILLIONS! Not sure about the spray bread, though...although, I put spray "cheese" on crackers rather than bread, and spray crackers may be do-able...

Posted by: Susie at January 23, 2004 01:39 PM

speaking about graas clippings..you know...I used to live in The Netherlands and there they have a cheese called "grass cheese".I think I might order some of off the ducth store now......

Posted by: LW at January 23, 2004 01:41 PM

Grass cheese? Oh, I hope you're joking. That's nothing like head cheese, is it? [spew]

I don't know if spray crackers could work. They're supposed to be crispy. Bread can be soft so I was thinking that would be possible. Spray it out into the desired shape and then the outside layer gets a firm film while the inside gets bubbly like spray insulation.

Posted by: Jim at January 23, 2004 01:46 PM

No,nothing like that at all.Its a typ of cheese that is seasonal.The cows eat special,fresh,new,young grass and that gives the cheese a special taste.Its very mild,smooth,soft...better then young Gouda.Its very yummy.:-)

Posted by: LW at January 23, 2004 01:58 PM

Phew! In that case, order away.

Posted by: Jim at January 23, 2004 02:06 PM

Dopple-G is a commie, right?

Posted by: Victor at January 24, 2004 12:24 PM

Victor - Only as it pertains to dairy products.

Posted by: Jim at January 25, 2004 05:00 AM

i'm from england and we don't have spray cheese. sounds like we're missing out..

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