The Scene: Dopple-G and I are sitting down to lunch. He is eating naked burgers with cheese slices on top.

Background: Dopple-G actually enjoys American cheese singles and considers them to be actual cheese. I am a cheese snob where this pseudo-food is concerned.

Dopple-G: I've got "real cheese" today.

Me: That is not real cheese. It is "processed cheese food product".

Dopple-G: Why are you so anti-American?

Me: I'm not anti-American, I'm anti-cheese impersonation.

Dopple-G: American cheese is real cheese.

Me: Real cheese does not have partially dehydrogenated soy bean oil as an ingredient.

Dopple-G: Well this cheese has only milk and cheese culture as ingredients.

Me: And whatever chemical they put in there to make it orange.

Dopple-G: It's not a chemical that does that, it's a vegetable color.

Me: Whatever. Between that and the oil, how can you honestly call that cheese?

Dopple-G: There's no oil in it.

Me: How can there be no oil in it? That's what American cheese is all about.

Dopple-G: Because it's not American cheese. This is cheddar.

Me: Jackass. Why didn't you just say that in the beginning?

Dopple-G: Because it's more fun putting you on a cheese rant.

Me: Jerk. But my point still holds. Processed American cheese food product is not cheese.

Dopple-G: So you don't like it just because it's processed?

Me: I don't like it because it tastes nasty. It tastes nasty partially because it's processed.

Dopple-G: It's the most commonly used cheese in America.

Me: Because we're a bunch of fat bastards who eat at fast food joints way too often.

Dopple-G: So if it's such a nasty cheese, why do all of the fast food places use it?

Me: Because it costs a fraction of the cost of actual cheese!

Dopple-G: Because it's processed?

Me: Because it's processed.

Dopple-G: What about Cheeze-whiz? Would you eat Cheeze-whiz?

Me: Not intentionally.

Dopple-G: Spray cheese?

Me: Hell yeah!

Dopple-G: You'd eat spray cheese but you turn your nose up to American slices and Cheeze-whiz?

Me: Yeah. Spray cheese isn't cheese any more than the other ones are but it's food that gets sprayed! That's too cool to pass up.

Dopple-G: You're too wierd.

Me: I wonder what a whippet from spray cheese would be like.

Dopple-G: A whippet from spray cheese?

Me: Yeah, a cheese whippet. Whippet cheese? There's probably some marketable jingle-ready name in there somewhere.

Dopple-G: That's sort of gross.

Me: You know what would be really cool?

Dopple-G: No, and I don't think I want to know.

Me: Spray beef.

Dopple-G: Spray beef?

Me: Not just beef, of course. Spray meat. If you have some spray cheese and some spray pepperoni you could have a tasty snack anywhere you go.

Dopple-G: Why stop there? Go for spray bread too. That way you can just spray yourself a sandwich.

Me: Damn straight! I am SO going to run with this. I'm going to be freaking rich.

Dopple-G: You are a loon.

At this point the conversation devolved to less constructive topics.

So, who wants to get in at the ground floor on spray meat and bread?