Yesterday my Lovely Wife, she of normally impeccable style and grace, perpetrated a horror upon my household. An unmitigated affront to all that is good and holy was brought into my castle, shattering the previous sanctity of the household. While at the dollar store
[break for diatribe on the dollar store]Isn't the dollar store the bomb? Damn! What a feeling to be able to go into an establishment with the certain knowledge that you can have anything, anything, that your eyes alight upon. Even the certain knowledge that the base concept of the dollar store is either to get people to pay money for landfill items or that it's a complicated plot by the Vast Rightwing Conspiracy to lull the working class into a dull statis of conformity and acceptance of our lot can affect the pure joy rush feeling of financial power that us po' folks get when we walk into such an establishment.
[/break]
she happened upon bags of M&M candies. These are the ultimate favorite universal candy of our household. Any trip to a store that has checkout aisles will elicit joyous and demanding cries of "MMMMSSSS! MMMMSSSS!" in three part harmony. Lovely Wife quite quickly took advantage of the presence of large M&M bags for a dollar and stuffed several in the shopping cart. Without. Looking. At. The. Bags.
I suppose one could give her the benefit of the doubt. I mean, she was there with kids in tow after all. Then again there are certain things in this life that are simply inexcuseable. Things like comparing Al Sharpton with any non-psychotic person, expressing an appreciation for black velvet paintings and bringing Miami Dolphins items into the home of a diehard Buffalo Bills fan.
Yes, that's right people. The M&Ms were The Dolphins Mix. Orange, white and that green/blue/aqua/seafoam color that proves that homosexuals do have a place in the NFL, if only in uniform design [ED - sorry for the gratuitious gay joke]. I guess that it's not so unusual to find Dolphins paraphenalia hanging around the dollar store. After all, that's where otherwise unsellable product goes to die, right?
In Lovely Wife's defense she claims that she realized the M&M profanity only after unpacking the bags at home. I suppose that this might be possible as the gargantuan Miami Dolphins helmet plastered across the bag could easily be overlooked by the average blind person or a mother being harrassed by two evil children (if she also happened to be visually impaired).
So now there are 3 giant bags of M&Ms in the house that celebrate the hated and despised Miami Dolphins. What is there to do? Discard them? Screw that! It's chocolate! Eat them? But wouldn't that be akin to paying obeissance to that most foul of all NFL teams? Not necessarily...
In a twist of logic worthy of Howard Dean himself, Lovely Wife has justified the consumption of the chocolate morsels. You see, it is not a tribute to that farce of a team, it is more like voodoo magic. With each miscolored nugget I consume I am wishing bad mojo on Cuba West's football franchise. Each bit of that candy will be a pin into the Fish's hide. By the time these bags are gone the Dolphins will be a pale shadow of their previous pale shadow of a team.
Is she good or what?
POINTS: 3 points for the first person to name the film that inspired this post title. No googling, please.
POINTS UPDATE: I'm going to open it up to googling since I just googled it and nothing remotely close came up.
I'm guessing "Splash"...?
FWIW, You're taken the right approach to the M&M's. Look at it as an ancient tribal thing, like consuming your enemies or something. Eating the Colors will give you their strength...
I'm guessing "Splash"...?
FWIW, You've taken the right approach to the M&M's. Look at it as an ancient tribal thing, like consuming your enemies or something. Eating the Colors will give you their strength...
I barely survived the wrath of my husband when I brought home a GA Tech ornament.
Yes, I am a Dawg to the grave, but COULD HE LET ME 'SPLAIN??
It was for my daughter's teacher. SHE's the Tech fan. The GA ornaments were gone. Sorry, honey, we're just more popular.
Probably the same deal with the M&Ms.
You know when life gives you discolored M&Ms, they make wonderful cookies.
Guessing, but is it from "Mr. Peabody and the Mermaid"?
Nope, it's not Mr Peabody.
The Little Mermaid?
(total guess, no google)
Whooo Hooo IMDB to the rescue!!!
The answer is:
The Incredible Mr. Limpet
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0058230/quotes
Oops - missed Kelley's guess. Even though she submitted it twice!
It's not Splash or Little Mermaid. No mermaids at all.
Mr Limpet's the one. Points for Clancy!
...she bought DOLPHIN M$Ms???
Let me tell you what happened when my wife tried to dress my 2 little Buffalo Bills in NY Jets pajamas...
1) I disposed of the offending garments, in the only way appropriate.
2) I yelled to my wife.."honey they really were flammable"
3) I made my wife sing 14 verses the Bills fight song...."they make ya wanna shout, git ya hands up and shout.."
4) She had to go out and buy a proper pair of Bills jammies.
5) Finally, I made her drop and give me 20, just because.
Considering your wife was trying to stick the emeny down your precious children's throats, as opposed to just ON their body, she should be put right next to Mrs. Fastow and do some serious jail time!
I was after a quote that matched the title. Instead it was "inspired" by? damn semantics.
RTF Post Mojo...grrrrrr.
Semantics is all that separates us from the French.
Hey....if ya'all done ratting then...
I DIDN'T KNOW THEY WERE DOLPHIN M&MS UNTIL I CAME HOME!!And to my defence....the dollar store doesn't exchange things or take them back.:-P
I can proove that I don't like the Dolphins.I have about 20 of G's "Fuck Miami" shirts hidden in the house.:-)
Hmmm...those would make a pretty decent prize...
I guess if I was a "diehard Buffalo Bills fan" I would grow to hate the "Orange, white and that green/blue/aqua/seafoam color that proves that homosexuals do have a place in the NFL" Miami Dolphins if they savagely beat the bills like they have the past couple years. The days of Jim Kelly are over. Buffalo starts a QB that lost his postion to a Rookie that had never seen the field before. Now I too understand the hate of a team because I myself hate the Patriots. But to poke fun at a team that has been victorious at home and on the road is no show of sportsmanship. Not to mention the Dolphin is one of the most feared mammals in the Ocean having no natural predators except humans and the buffalo being as dosile and endangered as it is poses no threat to anything besides grass and maybe a tree or two. I guess we have only until next season seeing that neither team has made the journey into the postseason. Then we can again make our assumtions or poke fun at each others pride.
Josh, I wish you'd left your email address as I would have replied to you there. As it is, I'll just write here in the hopes that you come back to check for a response.
I'm a bit torn. On the one hand I have a diabolical urge to yell out any of the huge number of anti-Dolphin slogans in my repertoire. On the other hand I've got another diabolical urge to say that Joe Theismann is the biggest Dolphin fan and let that speak for itself. On the third hand it appears that you were genuinely upset so it would be pretty mean of me to push any more buttons.
Let me just recommend that you read a couple of the other posts on this site that were written in the style that this one was. On the sidebar of the main page is a "Best of" section. Anything under the "Snooze Button Dream" category should fit the bill. You'll find that I use a grand amount of hyperbole to generate a humorous over the top type of diatribe. If I was seriously as hyper agressive as my writing indicates I would be in a straight jacket, not a nice duplex in the suburbs of Atlanta.
I'm sorry if you took this post personally as it wasn't meant that way.
Sincerely,
Jim
PS: SQUISH THE FISH!!
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