Our household has been battling the plague flu since Christmas. On Sunday the boys and I spent a good chunk of our day passed out in the living room. I started feeling better on Monday and yesterday I actually felt pretty good. I figured I was over it and well on my way to my normal, healthy state.

Wrongo! This morning I woke up to find that somebody had snuck in while I slept and pumped about a gallon of mucous into my sinuses. Chewy mucous. That would have been bad enough but he also aparently used my head for a bass drum for a few hours and inserted a feather duster into my windpipe.

So what is a guy to do? It's Allnewyearween tonight and there's too much on the schedule at work to miss a day! Self medicate? That would an option if there were medications about that fit the bill but since there weren't it was moot. Get tanked to the gills on Robitussin, Dayquil and Tylenol? Also an option but it certainly wouldn't help to get anything constructive done at work. Then again if I'd gone that route I wouldn't give a fig about work so maybe that was the correct choice after all.

No, I chose option 3. The Patented Peacock Treatment. Expeditions have been launched and lost, nations have fallen and small boys have risked the dangers of Neverland all in search of this elusive formula. I give it to you now so you may pass it along like the Neiman Marcus cookie recipe for all the world to enjoy.

Part 1
The first portion of my treatment was coffee. Blessed, blessed, coffee. The elixir of life. That which powers and inspires the American workforce to kick the collective ass of the rest of the world. I sipped coffee while cradling my head and reading blogs for a half hour or so.

Part 2
When I had achieved a state of wakefulness where I thought it safe to play with fire I went out on the veranda for the first smoke of the day. The cold air assailed my bruised and battered sinuses, clearing the last remnants of fog from my mind and opened up all of the fettered bronchioles in my lungs. It was delicious. The cigarette did its magical work, stimulating neurons into tingling overload.

Part 3
Then came the most important step. The shower. Hot. Hotter than that. You know how it feels like your skin is peeling off when the water is too hot? Just a bit hotter than that. And as you acclimate to the temperature, increase the heat. I stayed in that homemade sauna for almost 20 minutes. When I emerged I felt like spaghetti that has been cooked two to three times too long but the lungs were cured and the sinuses were empty.

Part 4
The last step was actual medicine. Tylenol Sinus, non-drowsy formula. Medicine usually messes me up. I avoid it unless absolutely necessary so I guess I don't have any resistance built up. Lovely Wife is the same way and it can be something of a Laurel and Hardy routine when we're both sick, both telling the other that they should take something, both agreeing, and then not taking it. Anyway, Tylenol Sinus non-drowsy formula was not optional this morning as the hammering in my head needed to be fixed.

After a miserable drive into work (sorry Dopple-G) the Tylenol began working. By 7:30 I was in good enough shape to beat Dopple-G in 3 straight games of ping-pong. That's not as impressive as it sounds, it's what normally happens (oooh! Burn!). Just a bit ago I felt the return of the headache and redosed. Overall not in the healthiest shape of my life but definitely serviceable.

I almost forgot the secret ingredient of the patented Peacock treatment! Think happy thoughts. Say goodbye to the cold pricklies and welcome the warm fuzzies. Attitude is what makes the rest of this work. If you've decided you are sick and can't cope then you are sick and you won't be able to cope. If you make up your mind that you are going to get through it then you probably will.

POINTS: Let's finish up the year with a bang. More points! 2 points for the first reader to source "Think happy thoughts" and another 2 for the first reader to source "cold pricklies and warm fuzzies". No internet searches now, we're on the honor system here.