December 16, 2003
During this hectic holiday season there are a few things that we need to go over to insure my sanity and your continued good health.
Attention Atlanta Drivers
(Category:
Snooze Button Dreams
)
During this hectic holiday season there are a few things that we need to go over to insure my sanity and your continued good health.
- Shopping on your lunch break is fine but the sense of urgency this creates for you is not the “life or death” type of thing that will get you out of a traffic ticket.
- No matter how late you are getting back to the office, the laws of physics still say that you cannot go faster than the car in front of you.
- That three feet of space you normally leave between my back bumper and your front bumper is sacred and should not be sacrificed no matter how desperate you are to get to Borders.
- Stay the hell away from Pleasant Hill Road.
- Those lanes that turn into forced right turns are still there even when they are full of traffic. If you don’t want to turn right you need to get into another lane before you get into the intersection.
- If you find yourself in the intersection turning right even though you don't want to, go ahead and turn right anyway. Sitting in your turn lane waiting for a break in the lane of traffic full of cars that got out of that right turn only lane in time will get your ass totaled by the Excursion carrying one very stressed mom and 3 screaming kids that is coming up behind you. The people behind her will cheer your destruction.
- Do NOT match your vehicle speed to the ambient temperature.
- When the left turn arrow turns red this means you are not supposed to enter the intersection. They picked that color because it is exactly the fucking same as a red light. If you are in the intersection when the red arrow makes its appearance you may continue out of the intersection. If you are not yet into the intersection then stay right the hell where you are.
- If you are the fifth or succeeding car to blow through the red arrow by playing choo-choo train with the car in front of you I will shoot you dead.
Posted by Jim | Permalink
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TreyGivens.com linked in Traffic and Me: The Only Reason Some People Support Gun Control. They Have Something to Fear. on December 18, 2003 09:41 AM
The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns linked in I'm going mad! Mad! Mad - I tell you! on July 27, 2005 11:10 AM
Here's one:
When driving in a lane posted with a "Keep Moving" sign, heed the sign an KEEP FUCKING MOVING!!!
(e.g. when exiting I-85 NB and turning right onto Pleasant Hill -- had a run-in with some illiterate moron there just a couple of hours ago)
And another:
If I am at an intersection, the light is green, and I cannot get all the way through the intersection (i.e. traffic is backed up on the other side of the intersection), I will not venture into the intersection and further block it, precipitating gridlock. If you are behind me and choose to honk your horn, I will get out of my truck and throttle you mercilessly.
Happened Saturday in front of Perimeter Mall. Except for the throttling bit -- it was too cold.
How about this one: Do not change lanes to block me when I change lanes to pass you. That makes me want to bust a cap or cut you.
In other news: Mayor Shirley Franklin and the city council reach their only unananymous decision by declaring stop light running the official sport of Atlanta.
I've got one, which I observed while facing the life-altering terror that is Atlanta driving:
The breakdown lane? It's not really a lane, per se. It's more like a gentle guidance for those who stupidly got a flat tire. So please don't drive there and expect me to let you in. Because at the end of the day, I pay my insurance on time, and I love a good game of breakdown lane chicken.
Can't believe I forgot about the "Keep Moving" lanes. Worst offender area ever for these is the I85 exit to Pleasant Hill going toward the mall. First you have the normal run of the mill morons who don't understand that "Keep Moving" means you have to keep moving and then you have the specific assholes who stop and wait for traffic to clear so they can get over 3 lanes to make a left on Venture.
AAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!
Another thing that erks me is when people are in the "exit only lane" and wait until the last minute to move over. It makes no sense.
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