The family had to be based in freaking New York. Upright, uptight Atlantic state New York, a place of unbridled acceptance of general morality. My life could have been so much cooler if my family was from West Virginia. It's warmer, which is something I've really come to appreciate since moving to Georgia. Lots more scenery and nice mountains. Western New York has no mountains. They even frown upon hills there. And most importantly, in West Virginia they let you boff your cousins.

I have some seriously hot cousins. Female cousins, I mean. Not that my male cousins are dog faced boys or anything. Quite the contrary, we have one genetically favored clan. It's just that I've always been a batter for the home team so I'd prefer to bang female cousins.

There's SJ. She's the top of the hotties. Boo-yah! We were close as kittens growing up. Just think though! If we were growing up in West Virginia I could have been tagging that instead of struggling through the high school scene getting rebuffed by chicks from every clique.

And C. Oh, lordy. The smile, the eyes, the hooters. C and I played doctor when we were kids. If that isn't an "in" then I ask you what is? If we had been in West Virginia we could have been shagging from the first site of pubes! Instead I was getting shot down by cheerleaders and A/V drones alike.

But don't forget about S. She's from a branch of the family that melded with hot latin blood. Think J-Lo without the big ass and odd dating habits. She is younger by a couple of years but that's actually a big advantage. After all of the experience I would have had with SJ and C, S would have thought I was some sort of sex god. Instead I was getting a whole lot of nothing from the Swedish exchange student and the Student Council Treasurer.

Ah, West Virginia. The land of interfamilial intercourse. How I envy you.