Kelley is wondering what stuff you believed as a kid that you can laugh about now.
I had a particularly voracious monster under the bed. It wasn't good enough to keep hands and feet away from the edge. All body parts had to be protected by the Blanket of Monster Repelling or it was all over. You had approximately 5 seconds to get covered (after jumping the last 3 feet into the bed) before he would attack. I didn't have a closet monster though. The bed monster probably ate him.
I had a stair monster too. The steps to the basement were open (no backs on the steps). If you were too slow getting up the stairs he would grab your ankles. One of the most terrifying moments of my childhood was when I was tearing ass up these stairs and slipped. I smashed my shin on the wooden step so hard that I couldn't even scream, it hurt so badly. I was stuck, unable to move, just waiting for the monster to grab me. Eventually I was able to crawl up to the landing where I sat huddled in a fetal position until I could stand up again. To this day I don't know what saved me back then. Either he was asleep on his watch or just assumed I'd trucked all the way up like I usually did. I'm sure that if I'd actually been able to cry at the pain he would have been alerted and then he would have got me.
When I was 12 I was reading King's "It" in bed, with a flashlight, when I was supposed to be asleep. At one point, I had to pee, but couldn't turn on the light lest my parents cotton on to the fact I was awake. So I ran to the toilet and came back, lights off.
Now, the walk to the bed is a scary walk. You had to take a running jump and fly onto the bed, lest some hand reach out from beneath the bed and get your ankle. I was seriously freaked out about "It" (story of an evil alien clown living in the sewers), but I decided to be brave. I walked to the bed...walked...
...and just as I got to the bed, a hand reached out and grabbed my ankle. I screamed (and luckily narrowly avoided wetting my pants, since I had just been to the toilet) as my Dad crawled out from under the bed, laughing his ass off at teaching me a lesson.
Yup. I will be discussing his behaviour on Oprah someday when I am rich and famous, dabbing at my eyes and using the term "scarred for life."
Oh Lordy! I'm almost wetting my pants right now, Helen. Oh, man, that's delicious.
I had the typical monster fears, but I also had the misfortune of beng extremely gullible and technologically challenged.
My mother was very creative and very bored with watching kids. She told my sister and me we could dig through the earth and end up in China and gave us both spoons. We dug for three days, taking turns sticking our heads in the hole to see if we could see any Chinese feet yet walking on the other side of the world. She didn't stop us until we were inches from getting under the house foundation.
I also thought that the tall radio towers with red lights going up them at intervals had cars on them driving up one side and down the other. I lived in fear that my Dad would take that exit!
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