So you don't believe in real magic? Well this will convince you. With my help you will now cast your very first real magic spell. Just do the following:

1. Take a deep breath.
2. Grab a pencil, pen, or other wand-like instrument.
3. Wave your wand in front of your mouth in a counter-clockwise manner. Those of you with digital clocks just wiggle it a bit.
4. Breath out! Jeeze. That was just a calming exercise, I didn't want you to hold your freakin' breath. Just breath normal, okay?
5. Speak the following line three times. Each successive line must be louder than the one previous. That means that you say it once softly, once a bit louder and then again a bit louder still:

inflatus lingua nimium

Okay, all done. You've successfully cast your first spell. What? Don't believe me? You didn't notice anything? Oh, really...

How is your tongue feeling? Does it seem a bit...large? Sort of slipping across your teeth instead of sitting nicely inside the old toothline, isn't it? In fact, it now takes some considerable effort to keep that sucker in place, doesn't it? Oh, my hapless foil how you have fallen into my evil snare.

Bwah hah! Bwah hah hah! Bwah hah hah hah hah!

I'll let you know the counterspell as soon as I figure it out.