Howard wants to get a solid constituency in the South but, based on recent comments, he's going to be having some problems doing so. Let's face it, saying that we should quit basing our votes on "race, guns, God and gays" shows pretty conclusively that he doesn't know his target audience. He's lumping all of us Southern bigots into one big group when there are actually three distinct types of Southern bigot. You got yer white trash, yer rednecks and yer good ol' boys and Howie is going to need to tailor his voting instructions to each group.

Now I'm a helpful sort, that's just the way folk are down here, so I've compiled a little guide for Howard to use while he's down here drumming up support. Snooze Button Dreams proudly presents:

The Howard Dean Guide To Southern Bigots

Identification

The first step to increasing support for a Democratic candidate in Dixie is proper identification of the bigot audience. Although many aspects of southern life are universal to all three bigot types (NASCAR, College Football, Miller Genuine Draft, to name a few) there are some obvious visual clues that are unique amongst the subsets. Use this handy chart to identify your targets.

* Allows more comfortable seating for large parties heading to the lynching
** Pronounced tun'-oh
*** Except for mechanics and mayors, who smoke cigars

Fine Tuning the Message

Regarding the topics of race, guns, God and gays, each of the three bigot groups have different ideals and beliefs. Once the target bigot type has been identified above, use the handy reference below to determine how to proceed.

Race

White Trash: Not overly concerned with race, except for how the N-words just lay around on the welfare living off his dime or taking all of the good jobs.

Redneck: Good Nigras should be not only tolerated but encouraged. Bad Nigras and all Jooos should be segregated to keep them away from decent folk. Uppity Nigras are subject to lynchings.

Good ol' Boy: In town minorities should be shunned and have nasty tricks played on them. Any Coloreds, Joooos or Yurpians approaching the cabin will be shot on site. Unless they have a purty mouth.

Guns

White Trash: Guns are necessary to protect belongings from other White Trash and thieving N-words. And to lend authority when stealing from other White Trash.

Redneck: Guns are necessary for huntin' and lynchin', both of which are required to be considered a real man.

Good ol' Boy: You sure do got a purty mouth...

God

Things get a bit confusing in the South where God is concerned. While all southerner bigots are deeply religious, they each belong to a different church. In the odd case where two or more people end up attending the same church they must immediately cite irresolvable issues of division and form two new and opposed churches. Generally right next to each other.

Just give God a pass down here.

Gays

Generally speaking, only white men can be gay in the South. Any minority is already suspect of being a reprehensible moral delinquent so the term "gay" is redundant for them. The items following refer to homosexual Caucasian males.

White Trash: Fags are to be avoided, shunned and otherwise ignored. If you don't pay attention to them they will go away. If one touches you, you have to beat the hell out of him or you become gay too.

Redneck: Homosexuality is unnatural and ungodly. Treat as an uppity nigra.

Good ol' Boy: Do not confuse making some intruder (or minority) squeal like a pig as any form of homosexuality. Such people aren't technically human so you are not actually fucking a man up the ass.

In Closing

Snooze Button Dreams hopes wholeheartedly that the Dean campaign will be able to use this guide to good effect during their campaign in Dixie. It should dovetail in nicely with Dean's existing campaign material.