Or How Many Pets Can Our Apartment Hold?

Allow me to give you a rundown of our current pet situation, in their order of appearance:

Henk:
5 year old mostly male black cat. Henk thinks he is a dog. More accurately, he thinks he is a puppy. He assaults every visitor with demands to play and pet and allows all forms of abuse from our kids including tail pulling, fur removal, and eye gouging. Henk is the only pet we have that follows instructions that are not accompanied by the opening of a food container.

The Fish:
A half dozen tropical fish in a 3 gallon cheater tank. The fish were a one-up man purchase by my wife as I had set up a nice little 2 gallon tank at my office. The temperature swings in my office let to repeated fish loss. My wife's tank lost 2 to 3 times as many fish because it was a nasty under-gravel setup and she didn't take care of it. When my tank gained enough notoriety that people outside of my department knew of the "Tank of Death" I took it down. At that point my wife stopped caring about her fish and decided that she wouldn't replace any fish that passed on. She stated her intent to put up her tank when they all died off. Since that point over 6 months ago she has not lost a fish.

The Birds:
Two finches. Their cage is strategically located so they can spray me with water when I sit on the love seat in movie watching position. There is no other location in all of our 1300 square foot apartment where the finches can be placed. The finches make finchy noises whenever I am concentrating on writing and during the quiet dialog portion of any movie. The finches belong to my wife. I do not like them.

Apple:
2 year old mostly female tabby cat. This was an anniversary present for my wife. She was concerned that Henk was getting lonely when we went on weekend trips or long days out to the park. She picked out the cutest little kitten and showered love and affection upon it. I ignored the kitten. The kitten grew into a typical cat - evil, secretive, enemy of children and adults without can openers, startled at the drop of a hairball and frightened of all things that move. She also latched onto the only person in the house who never tried to be nice to her. She is my shadow and bosom companion. She doesn't like my wife.

Nicky:
The Easter Bunny brought more than eggs this year. We are now the proud owners of a beagrier. Or maybe that's "terrgle"? Anyway, he's a 5 year old partially male beagle / terrier mutt. It was important to get a dog despite living in an apartment that is already as full as it needs to be and comes with the burden of a $500 non-refundable pet deposit. (PER PET!! And what the heck is up with a non-refundable "deposit"! Back in yankee territory we called that a fee!) I can't recall the reasons that it was important but they were very compelling. They may have included such things as safety in the house for a housewife mom and the irrefutable evidence that kids brought up without a dog are more likely to end their effective lives in a church steeple holding a high powered rifle. Anywho...I know what you're thinking because I was thinking the same thing: "What combination of dogs would create the most hyper and obnoxiously yappy dog possible? Oh, yes! A beagle and a terrier!" Well, we're about as wrong as wrong could be. Nicky (the worst part about adopting a used an adult pet is getting saddled with a lousy pet name) is the calmest canine I have ever met. This dog simply does not get excited. About anything. Food? Okay. Going out for a walk? Whatever. Attacked by psychotic 2 year old? It too shall pass. This dog is so calm that even Apple adapted to him after less than a day. This is the same cat that runs and hides when the finches get too active. The dog did not react when the next door neighbor (with her own dog) came up to the porch to chat. It did not react to our homecoming after it had been alone for several hours. Perhaps Nicky (I can't call him that anymore, it's just too lousy a name for a male dog. I'm going with "Nick" from now on) will regrow some virtual testicles after he has been with us for a longer time and is more comfortable in
his new home. I'll let you know.