You are about to enter another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of sarcasm and wit. A journey into a wondrous land of imagination. Next stop, the Cheddar Zone!

These are some tough ones this week. You'd think I would have them all thought out seeing as I suggested them. You'd be wrong of course but that's okay - I still like you.

1. What animated cartoon character best represents you?

My first thoughts are Space Ghost or Pepe le Pew because I like to blast things and I used to have quite a thing for chasing girls who wanted nothing to do with me. I think I'll settle for all of the adults in the Peanuts animated specials. You see, they obviously think they are speaking clearly and concisely but all the kids hear is "Bwah bwuh bweh bweh bwah". This is apparently what my kids hear when I speak to them. For example:

Bacon: I want a penny.

I say: I don't have any pennies.

He hears: Bwah bwuh bweh bweh bwah.

Bacon: Can I have a penny?

I say: No, bud. I don't have any.

He hears: Bwah bwuh bweh bweh bwah.

Bacon: Please, can I have a penny?

I say: I said I don't have any pennies! Will you listen to what I'm saying for once? How many times are you going to ask the same question to get the same bloody answer?!

He hears: Bwah bwuh bweh bweh bwah! Bwah bwuh bweh bweh bwah! Bwah bwuh bweh bweh bwah!

Bacon: (Cries)

2. What is your dream date?

Amazing how this has changed over the years. At one time it might have been something like jetting to Paris on the Concorde for brunch at a fancy schmancy frog restaurant followed by some opera or theater then a five star dinner and ending with a night in a penthouse with heart shaped Jacuzzi in the floor and polyfellatic performance from my date.

My needs are much simpler now. My dream date would be to take Lovely Wife back to Niagara Falls and saunter around to our heart's content. When our legs got a little tired we would go have dinner at "our" restaurant in Buffalo, The Friar's Table. After dinner we would party down at the Chippewa Strip and finally end up at the Falls View hotel in a room with a sunken Jacuzzi where I would cap the evening off enjoying a polyfellatic performace from Lovely Wife.

3. What are your politics?

I'm agnostic. I think that it is possible that there are true politics but I have not seen the proof. I hate and despise politics and most politicians. There are a couple exceptions to the rule but the vast majority of politicians are lying scumbag party slaves. The party system is an albatross around Uncle Sam's neck. One person cannot totally screw America, it takes a party to do it.

My personal views are center right but that's just an overall average. On any particular issue I could take either side. Some things I do feel strongly about is a need to reinforce and increase our military presence and that a state's rights should come before the federal government's rights.

4. What is the most despicable thing you have done to another person?

How to choose...how to choose...

Actually, the most despicable thing is pretty easy to pick out. A few years ago I was seeing a lady (down South we call them "ladies" even when they aren't) who had a predilection for having sex with people who weren't me. When I discovered this there was a rather nasty breakup. I was pissed and hurt and, for the first time in my life, very vengeful. I hacked her computer and got enough info on her Fuck Buddy (from her emails) to pass off that I knew a lot more about him. I wrote up a very nice letter to Mrs Fuck Buddy (Fuck Buddy was a married man, you see) and Fuck Buddy's boss, from Ex. I included a copy of all of the emails I had snagged from Ex's PC. The letter contained dates and times that those two were together (my best guesses plus 2 that I was damned sure of), where they met (at her job) and then some made up stuff that was very plausible. Things like visits to another woman in Rochester. I knew that he had gone to Rochester a couple of times on business. Since Ex knew he cheated on his wife it was very easy to make those business trips into "business trips". Then I sent the letter and papers to Ex. I didn't actually send them to Mrs Fuck Buddy or Fuck Buddy's boss though I included a note saying I did. Remember that I had made the letter "from her" so she thought that Mrs Fuck Buddy and Fuck Buddy's boss had received these letters and packets of info as if she had sent them. After mailing this I kept an eye on her emails and an ear on her answering machine and ignored her steadily frantic attempts to get a hold of me. I admit that I had a gloating good time with the results of my vengeance.

I don't know how long it was before I got into a healthier frame of mind but eventually it occured to me just how sick that had been.

4a. My addendum to this: What's the most despicable thing you've done and gotten away with?

Driving drunk, twice. Not "had a couple with the boys" buzzed but "rip-roaring only a total asshole would contemplate getting behind the wheel" drunk. Very fortunately I never hurt anybody or anything but it was only by the grace of the guy upstairs.

5. What is the nicest thing you have done for another person?

Not actually sending that letter and info to Mrs Fuck Buddy and Fuck Buddy's boss.