At great personal expense and peril, Push Button Dreams has come into possession of a security tape from the Oval Office. It was apparently recorded shortly after Ariel Sharon first read the infamous “Roadmap To Peaceâ€. The transcript follows:
Bush: Call me George! No problem there, pardner. Always happy to listen. What can I do you for?
Sharon: Er...yes, well, it's about this "Roadmap". I've just completed reading it and I must object in the strongest possible terms. This plan is horribly biased against Israel and quite simply it cannot be made to work.
Bush (interrupting): Hold 'em.
Sharon: Hold what Mr. Bush?
Bush: Call me George. Mind if I call you Ari? Naw, better not. Might get confused with Fleisher. Anywho, it's not "hold what" it's "hold 'em". Texas Hold'em. Gentlemans' game. Bettin' mans game. You a card player Ari?
Sharon: Sir, I must protest that you have me completely befuddled. Precisely what are you talking about?
Bush: Call me George. Serious. I get enough "Sirs" and "Mr. Bushes" to choke on. Go for George.
Sharon: Very well, George. What in the blazes are you getting at with this "Hold 'em"?
Bush: Well, in Hold'em you get all the players using the flop, that's 5 common cards, and you get two in the hole that the rest don't know about. A good player'll figure those holes out too, likely as not, if they know you well enough.
Sharon: George, this still doesn't make sense. What does that have to do with this despicable Roadmap?
Bush: That's no Roadmap, Ari. That's the flop and we're playing the mother of all hands in a true Texas sized game of Hold'em. What's great here is we know their hole cards too. You see, the way I figure it there's just no way you're ever going to be able to grab a beer without worrying about some Hamas feller exploding himself on you until we lick all them terrorists, right?
Sharon: Yes, quite right, but this Roadmap can't possibly...
Bush (interrupting): And I've sort of noticed that some of the big newsies are lacking in impartiality where all this is concerned. I think that's a fairly big problem as well. Not as bad as getting exploded, at least on a personal basis, but pretty bad on the national scale. You agree?
Sharon: Yes, it's something we've been trying to combat for some time and...
Bush (interrupting): So I figured that what we need is to lick problem number two to pave the way to lickin' problem number one. Get the press on your side and public opinion will follow. Get the world press on your side, or at least off your back, and things'll get a whole hellovalot easier.
Sharon: A fantastic goal George, but this certainly isn't addressed in your Roadmap. The only thing even remotely like that is a call for the Palestinian Authority to cease instigative propaganda.
Bush: Yup, and I doubt they'll even do that much. This ain't about the PA though. You see, I figure that if we can put up a plan that is so slanted in the Palestinians' favor that they can't possibly resist it and that the world at large can't possibly object to then we're in a win-win situation. Their hole cards are uncontrollable violence and hatred. There is no conceivable way that those PA folk can actually put the reigns on their own horse. Peace can't work for them 'cause the only real power they have is to incite. Hell, if they ever tried to disarm their own militants they'd end up in a civil war. 'Spect that's the excuse they'll use when they start wheedling out of their stage one commitments.
Now I suppose there's always a chance that they'll get the more organized groups to settle down a bit. Good PR for them and a chance for their team to huddle up. Now if they do that, Ari, y'all just be ready yourselves. Use that time to work up your own folk, pin down their folk and catch up on all the detail work that needs doin' but never seems to get done. That way when they get thrown off that bronco and the crap starts up again you'll be ready to throw the lasso on them baby killers. Bad metaphor but you git my drift.
Sharon: Yes, that was a fantastically bad metaphor.
Bush: Settle down, Ari. I'll run the humor here. You do the "steadily increasing amazement at George's cunning" portion of the conversation.
Sharon: Yes, I am beginning to be impressed. So we agree to this Roadmap which is horribly, horribly weighted towards the Palestinians with the full knowledge that there is no way they can ever fulfill their commitments...
Bush (interrupting): And note that their commitments are really just reiterations of what they've been lip servicing for years. Cleverer and cleverer, eh?
Sharon: Yes, George, but please let me finish a thought here.
Bush: Sorry, Ari. Hey, that sort of rhymes. Sorry, Ari. Sorry, Ari.
Sharon: Er...yeah. So we know that they will fail to fulfill a plan that consists of what they have been saying they want to do all along. A plan that is endorsed and supported by the generally anti-semitic and certainly anti-zionist newslines, groups and countries, including our Muslim neighbors. This will provide final and conclusive proof to the world - proof that they finally cannot spin or ignore - that the Palestinian Authority and the various Palestinian terrorist groups absolutely cannot be reasoned with or dealt with in a peacable fashion. They themselves will show that they are not truly interested in peace of any sort but only in the murder of jews. So when they break down and resort to savagery again we can finally move to protect ourselves with at least tacit world approval.
Bush: Yup. That pretty much sums it up.
Sharon: But George, what if they are able to follow the plan? What if some charismatic firebrand takes the reigns and mobilizes popular support? What if a viable secular authority can wheedle and cajole the groups into disarming and allowing the peace process to work?
Bush: Well Ari, that's our hole card. If that happens then y'all have peace. Maybe not on the best terms you imagined but in a manner that'll get you the respect of the sane world in any case.
Sharon: I see. Well thank you for taking the time to explain all of this George. And George...one more thing...
Bush: Yes, Ari?
Sharon: Remind me never to play poker with you.
On a serious note:
This entry was originally intended as a serious essay attempting to prove my hypothesis that Bush knows exactly what the results of the Roadmap will be and is planning on it. It devolved into this because understanding and cooperation between Bush and Sharon is critical to my theory and I kept imagining the conversations they had to have had.
Anywho, the essential points to my theory are:
1) Bush is not an idiot. I know that many of his detractors like to paint him that way but it simply isn't so. That's the standard lefty caricature of every republican president. Righties do a similar thing with painting democractic presidents as philandering, lying criminals. Oh, wait. I guess Clinton did that himself. Bush speaks relatively slowly. He has an accent. He accentuates his points to an uncommon degree. These are not indications of idiocy. They are indications of being from Texas. (And speaking as a voluntary southerner I can tell y'all that we're pretty sick of that particular stereotype.)
2) Bush's advisors are not idiots. Unlike certain philandering liers under oath, Bush's appointees are fairly well suited for their positions.
3) Ariel Sharon is not an idiot. I don't think that even his detractors advance this theory much but it's important to my summary so I'm stating it in my points.
4) The Roadmap's basic premise is that both sides must work towards a peaceful resolution. Both sides constantly profess that this is their true desire. Israel has consistently proven that this is actually their goal. The PA and the terrorist groups have consistently proven that this is not their goal.
So, given these points, why is there a Roadmap at all? There must be a reason that Bush's advisors would craft it, Bush would advance it and Sharon would endorse it. My belief is that they all know that the Roadmap is not feasible due to the inate inability of the Palestinians to work towards their own best interest. I believe that the Roadmap is being used to once and for all show with incontrovertible proof that the Palestinians cannot govern themselves to peace and to allow Israel enough popular world support to protect themselves from Palestinian terrorist attacks.
Another thing to note is that even though the Hudna was a PR sham (Casualties since Aug 26, 2003) and the terrorists used that slow time to rearm and plan, the IDF made excellent use of it as well. They certainly seem to have been ready for when the terrorists slipped their bit.
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