SBD: Thank you so much for this interview. I'm very honored to be the one who will expose...er...reveal the real you to the world. Your sensuality, your writing skill, your delightful kilt picture...all of these together cannot begin to explain your massive appeal.

H: Patronize me at your peril, man. I am not kidding.

SBD: Right. Sorry. Let's get to the interview then, shall we?

H: Whatever. You're just old and bitter.

SBD: I'm not old! I'm 37. And I am not bitter, either! I must say I am offended by that!

H: Oops, sorry, I didn’t mean to bend your dick that way.

SBD: Quite all right. Now, for the first interview question: Recently, blogwar hostilities have erupted between your blog and Snooze Button Dreams. Can you tell my readers why you declared war on Jim?

H: I want him to cry soft, silent tears while he makes love to me.

SBD: Are you being flippant?

H: What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

SBD: Well, it's well known that you both already have partners and there would also be a logistical problem with you being in Sweden and him in the USA. Given that, I thought it might be possible that your previous answer was flippant. Was there perhaps a little bit of sarcasm there?

H: Buckets and buckets of it.

SBD: I see. Let's skip to the next question. Did you make any preparations for battle before declaring war?

H: Trimmed my minge. It's now in a very cute box shape.

SBD: Yes, of course you did. Now that battle has been joined, can you describe the experience?

H: Rhythmic choas, baby. It’s like being in a small confined space with Satan and suddenly, I was nude. I am reduced to being nervous about super-speedy cows.

SBD: That sounds quite traumatic. Looking into the "crystal ball", what do you see for you and Jim at the end of the Mapwar?

H: We have to be scraped off the top of our cars with a putty knife and double our doses of thorazine.

SBD: If you forsee such a horrible outcome for both of you, why pursue this war?

H: You have no idea how grouchy you can get after four days of pygmy hamsters.

SBD: I will have to take your word for it. I assume you have heard the rumors to the effect that you were put up to this Mapwar by the Swedish Fairies Union. Can you comment on these rumors of your collusion with the SFU?

H: If I see that little bastard Roland the Mental Health Fairy I am going to rip his goddamn wings off. I cooked and served up the Laundry Fairies earlier this week.

SBD: I think we can safely take that as a denial of collusion. Do you have anything to say to your opponent?

H: Go muff diving often, and without prompting.

SBD: Yes...sound advice that. I was thinking of something apropos to the Mapwar. Do you have anything of that nature to say?

H: I have been the one taking care of the dog.

SBD: That makes no sense at all.

H: Shut up.

SBD: It's hardly an interview if I do.

H: Don't piss me off...I have an anger control problem, remember.

SBD: Ummm...perhaps it would be safer...er...prudent to end the interview here. Thank you again for granting it and I hope my presence here was not too upsetting.

H: I feel enormously pleased.